Leaving What You Love for Who You Love

A couple years ago, someone shared an article that suggested stay-home moms were most impactful during the adolescent and teens years, in comparison to infant and toddler stages.  Of course, I scratched my head at the thought, especially considering the decades of research and lists of so-called professionals who argue the opposite.  Like many mothers, I chose to be home during those baby and toddler years, and although that was the absolute poorest years of our lives, I believe they were also some of the richest.  Once my youngest became a walking, talking, independently pottying boy, I slowly re-entered the working world, only agreeing to work in a places that would allow me to bring him along.  At this point in my life I assumed I was rolling, everybody in school, a paycheck in my purse, and a sense of freedom and accomplishment with that "no more babies" swag.  

Then, reality hit me!  

In the midst of this new freedom, I still wrestled the guilt of so many "missed" opportunities during the busyness and hustle of being a working mom.  I'm not referring to games, parties, or recitals, I'm talking about those pivotal life lessons that often make or break an emerging adult: spirituality, money management, character development, awareness of gifts/talents, confidence, integrity, standards in dating, dress, time management, organization, all those areas many adults are still trying to "figure out," the stuff they don't intentionally teach you in school.  Not only was I releasing a young man into the world of adulthood, but I had this little girl who was moving into womanhood (on fast forward mode), and looking directly toward me for an example. 

I will never forget the day we found out we were having a baby girl.  My emotions shifted almost daily, from degrees of pure joy and excitement to fear and anxiety.  Although I already had six years of parenting under my belt, I knew this was oh so different.  You see, as a mother of a son, there's this crazy sense of relief that resides in knowing Daddy has the greatest responsibility in rearing a young man.  However, unlike with the boy, much of the lady this little girl will grow to become is greatly impacted by my role as her mother.   I remember thinking to myself, "Wow God, you must think so highly of me!"

Last year, our sweet girl transitioned from her small village of an elementary school, where her mommy shared the teaching responsibility with some of the best teaching aunties and uncles in the world, to a larger middle/high school of about 600 students.  Although the Holy Spirit continually confirmed my need to "reel it in," I refused to acknowledge the obvious signs of a preteen girl needing her mom.  Instead, I tried convincing myself that this was all normal stages of adolescence, I was a great mom, she'll grow out of some things, she's just being extra, I'm reading too deeply into this, she is privileged and has too much, and the best one, girls of working moms turn out just fine.  From choices in music and movies to text exchanges, sideways conversation, and disinterest in the things she once loved, this girl was rapidly moving toward a place oh so familiar to me...that place I entered as a teen girl, the very same place I vowed and prayed my own daughter would not experience.

So, in an effort to do my part in helping her realize and embrace the amazing little person God created in her, I've stepped away from employment and pulled her out of school.  For at least one year, we're endeavoring to learn together, explore together, and most importantly, grow together.  We're only one month in, and we have shared experiences, conversation, tears, hugs, kisses, and even selfies to last us a lifetime.  Absolutely every day, I am mesmerized by new discoveries of this little person I call my daughter. Her creativity, courage, wittiness, and certainly her sense of style are all confirmation of God's favor in my life.  And although there have been days we both second-guess this decision, my prayer is that when she's grown, maybe with her own daughter, she'll reflect on this time as one of the best years of her life.  

Yes, life is short and filled with shifts and seasons of growth and change.  I'm just so thankful God has blessed me with the boldness and confidence to move when He says, "Move!"

Continue to pray for us, y'all.

-Mama Tameka

The Guilt of "Not Knowing"

Last year, during a casual visit with my aunt, I discovered one of my cousins had been incarcerated for months.  My initial response, "I didn't know."

Months later, during a long overdue conversation with my college girlfriend, she casually mentioned, "You know I was diagnosed with cancer," and my immediate response, "Oh, no, I didn't know!"

Earlier this summer, while scrolling through my FB newsfeed, I noticed a testimony from another friend about her college-aged daughter's battle with cancer, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I didn't know."

I moved into a different house in June, and for over two months, I casually smiled, waved, and spoke to my neighbor.  I always noticed his children and their grandmother, but I never saw his wife.  Last week, he walked to the fence and informed me that his wife had been released to hospice.  My response, "Hospice? I had no idea your wife was ill!"  That very same day, she made her transition.

Yesterday, I opened my Facebook app to a beautiful picture of a high school friend.  Someone liked the photo, and I liked it too.  Then, as I continued to scroll, I noticed several people were liking and reposting her photos, and I just continued to like them too.  Finally, in the midst of scrolling I ran into a simple message from my dear brother, her husband, that stated, "With extreme sadness I must say that the love of my life passed away."  Again, my response, "I didn't know."

How often do you see someone, talk to someone, or read a social media update about someone and say to yourself, "I didn't know."  How often do we not know a friend has lost a spouse, has a child incarcerated, caring for an ill parent, battling a health diagnosis, or just struggling in some aspect of life.  How often do we hear of someone dying and our first reaction is, "I had no idea he was sick," or "I didn't know she was 'that' sick."

With the advancement in technology and a plethora of friends and family at our fingertips, why is it still so hard for us to remain "In the Know" when it comes to the needs of our sisters and brothers?  How easy is it to pick up a phone, make a phone call, drop a text, send a message, or simply drive by the house of a loved one.  Why are we so connected, yet so disconnected when it matters the most?

Beginning today, I'm going to make every effort to become more aware and in-tune to the needs of those around me.  I have to be more specific in praying and tarrying for the people I don't see everyday. I no longer want to endure this guilt of "not knowing" simply because I didn't take the time to press my pause button, reach out, and check in.  We can't be so busy, caught up in our own whirlwind of "stuff" that we miss opportunities to love on those around us.  Let's transfer some of the time and energy we spend on highlighting ourselves, and extend a check-up or check-in on someone else.

I encourage you to grab your phone, scroll through your contacts or Facebook friend list, and reach out to someone you haven't heard from in a while.  If you don't know what to say, you can start with, "Hello, friend.  How are you? I'm thinking about you and sending love your way."

Let's Reconnect!

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

RIP, Stacy

10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law

At least half of the time I gather or chat with other married women, the topic of mothers-in-law surfaces, and it's very often immensely negative. It forces me to realize how many women do not have a thriving relationship with their mothers-in-law, and how very grateful I am for mine. So, today, I reflect on God's blessing of the woman I call Mrs. Selders, my "Mother-In-Love," and encourage those of you with Mothers-in-Love to do the same.  If my thoughts provoke feelings of defensiveness or offensiveness, I apologize in advance.  These words represent nothing more than my thoughts, and yes, I understand there are always exceptions.

Peace and Blessings,

Mama Tameka

10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law (MIL)

1. You do not understand and acknowledge her position.

Throughout life, we are taught the importance of looking beyond people to respect their position.  Adulthood does not automatically release us from being the "children" of our parents.  Nor does "leave and cleave" imply an isolation or abandonment of the people we call Mom and Dad.  You must understand and acknowledge your Mother-In-Law is the mother of your husband and greatly responsible for the man he's become. If for no other reason than this, you are indebted.  And if you're one of those women who blame your MIL for the imperfections in your husband, then SHAME ON YOU for choosing him.

2. You have not allowed her in.

You have (either intentionally or by default) created clear boundaries and restrictions where your mother-in-law is concerned.  You have not given her the freedom to act as your "bonus" mother. Instead, your actions or non actions, words or silence, have communicated a need for her to keep her distance, remain in her place, or proceed with caution.  When was the last time you gave her the green light by expressing your desire for her to pour into your life?  

3. You are in competition with her because you fail to see her true value in your life.

When teammates compete against each other, it serves as a clear sign that one or both of them do not understand their position.  Confusion about individual position and responsibility threatens defeat for the entire team. You must realize you and your Mother-In-Law are members of the same team. You could never be your husband's mother, just as she could never be his wife. So, instead of extending energy battling against your own teammate, draft the plays necessary to WIN!

4. You invest little to no time in building a relationship with her.  Your interaction with her is solely dependent on your husband...her son.

For some reason, daughters-in-law are convinced that their only interaction with their Moms-in-Law must include or be tied to their husbands.  That is simply not the reality.  Who says you are to only spend time with your MIL when your husband is present? Develop your own special connection to her; become connected beyond your husband...her son. 

5. You do not believe she is OWED your respect and honor, but instead, you believe it is her responsibility to earn it.

I'm still trying to understand why people insist respect must be earned. Who are you to consider yourself so important that others must "earn" your respect? Really?  If God extended His blessings to us based on what we earned or deserved, we would have nothing! Your mother-in-law is OWED your respect and honor.  The bible does not say honor your parents, as long as they've earned it, or to the extent you see fit.

6. When she speaks, you do not listen.

Please understand God speaks to you through others, including your mother-in-law.  Try experiencing the blessing in SHUTTING UP and listening.  How dare you resist or refute everything she says, assuming her comments have no validity in your life, your decisions as a mother, and your decisions as a wife? Who are you to insist you know best, when you've experienced only a fraction of the life she has lived? She's teaching you to be a mother-in-law.  

7. You do not make every effort to visit her.

I hear many young wives/mothers explain their reason for not visiting their mother-in-law is because she doesn't visit them or her grandchildren.  My response... Give me a break and Grow up.  It is your responsibility for your children to know and develop relationships with their family members, especially their grandmother.  As parents, our efforts mold and nurture the relationships our children develop with our loved ones.  We live an approximate six hour car drive from my in-laws, and we have committed to making sure we plan a visit to them at least once a month.  Regardless of the schedules, conflicts, commitments, or finances, sacrifice to make it happen, teaching your children their grandparents are priority.  

8. You don't fully understand the example you set for your own children through your interactions with her.

Our children do not grow to be parents based on what we said over the years, but they parent based on what they've seen and experienced over the years.  Your parenting greatly impacts the way they will rear their own children.  In the same manner, your interaction with your MIL will define many of the Do's and Don'ts as it pertains to their understanding and choices in their own in-law relationships.  Our children learn to take care of us, by the ways they've watched us prioritize their grandparents.  Do not expect your adult son to insist his wife cares for you in a way he did not experience you caring or tending to his grandmother, your Mother-In-Law. 

9. You're battling insecurities or hurt that stem from other failed relationships.

We often carry insecurities and doubts based on prior experiences or other damaged relationships. It is difficult to extend trust or relinquish your guard to your mother-in-law or anyone else if you are still scarred by previous experiences. Maybe you didn't experience the best relationship with your own mother, or your husband does not have a great relationship with his mom.  Maybe your thoughts about your MIL are based on your own "stuff."

10. You haven't gotten over you!

My pastor insists the most successful relationships consists of two people with healthy concepts of self.  It is almost impossible to experience great relationships when you do not embrace a healthy concept of self, realizing "It Ain't About You!"  Love is sacrificing self, for the benefit of another.  Self assess and GET OVER YOU! 

Mother-in-Love and Baby Girl, ESSENCEfest 2014