10 Characteristics of My "GOOD" Man

Merriam Webster defines good as "of high quality, of favorable character, or of highest worth or reliability," but just as with many immeasurable ideas, we all maintain our own definitions of what is truly "good," and we often choose mates accordingly. Of course, none of us are willingly choosing a so-called "bad" mate!

A couple days ago, a dear friend, writer, and relationship enthusiast, asked me to send him a list of 10 characteristics of a "good man." He was polling various women to get an idea or consensus of qualities women considered "good" in men.  So, being the very proud wife that I am, of course I scribbled the great things I see in my own husband.  To my surprise, many readers were a bit bothered by my list, assuming I was implying a good man must possess every characteristic listed, or those who did not were for some reason considered "bad," which was certainly not the case.  I simply contributed a list of qualities based on my own little experience.

I understand every individual is entitled to his/her own standards for "good," and we must choose to see the good in others, particularly the ones we love.  So today, on my wedding anniversary, I'm rebranding and reposting those characteristics I see in "MY" Good Man.  I challenge and encourage you to do the same!  Today is a great day to shower your mate with a list of  "Good" you see in him/her.

Here's to that "GOOD" Kind of Love!

-Mama Tameka

10 Characteristics of My "GOOD" Man...

#1. He has a relationship with Christ that is evident in his walk, his talk, and his overall being.  You can see the Christ in Him, his every decision is based on his seeking God's Word and Will for his life, and his study and prayer life are indicative of his relationship with Christ.  He desires his relationship with his wife to mirror Christ's relationship to the church.

#2. He values and prioritizes family, understanding they reflect him as the head. He spends intentional time with them, and he believes that caring and providing for them extends beyond finances.  He enforces quality family time, such as dinner at the family table, family talks, family outings, and family devotion.

#3. He values education and understands its importance in life.  He does not believe that obtaining it is the advantage, but he understands that not having it can serve as a great disadvantage.  He is well educated and he expects the same of his children.

#4. He believes that the sole responsibility of providing for the family is his, and he takes on that responsibility with pride and diligence.  He has an entrepreneurial spirit, even when working for someone else.  He has no problem with his wife choosing not to work, or desiring to do so.  He supports her in both situations, insisting whatever she brings home is not necessary for the financial stability of the family.

#5. He possesses clear potential for success, and when he "arrives," no one is surprised.  He is goal oriented.  He has clear, precise desires for his life, with reasonable ability and a concise plan to obtain them.  His life practices align his goals.  You can look at his walk, listen to his talk, observe his actions, and predict a successful outcome. 

#6. His thought processes, philosophies, life practices, likes, dislikes, fundamental core values and morals align with those of his wife.  They think alike; they have similar mentalities.  Something that is absolutely alarming to her is never perfectly okay to him.

#7. He's well-rounded and well-versed. He has an extensive vocabulary, and he's confident in speaking in any environment.  He knows the Queen's language, as well as the Hood language.  His network of friends and colleagues consists of a variety of people.  He sees beyond color and class. When he steps to a podium, the audience is engaged.

#8. He's predictable, and he's a planner. He does not just live in the moment, but he functions with the future in mind. He sticks to his word, and he isn't afraid to practice or enforce routine and regiment.  He is disciplined.  He's not caught off guard by many storms of life, because he planned for them.

#9. He is a good example.  When people refer to "good" men and "good" examples, his name is included in the list.  Other men and young boys respect him and see themselves in him.  He takes on the responsibility of impacting others through his choices, and he aims to LEAD by service and example.  He is an example of a man, who had a great example in his father.

#10. He is humble, and in all situations, he strives for humility. He doesn't need to brag, boast, or toot his own horn, because the proof is in the pudding.   He takes into consideration the thoughts and opinions of others, because he understands his responsibility to self assess based on their perceptions. However, his will and motivation to do well in life has nothing to do with pleasing other people, but everything to do with pleasing God.

Happy Anniversary, Michael!

Thank you Lord for this Good Man.

Think About It Before You Open Your Mouth!

Don't communicate to your children or imply through your words and actions that their other parent was a mistake on your part.  Even if you feel you've failed your children by choosing the other parent, this is not the best thing to say or show.  It is almost impossible to communicate such without having the children questioning, doubting, mistaking, and viewing their own existence as a mistake or failure. Remember, love is sacrificing self for the benefit of another. It is the universal language, and when communicated authentically, it is never misunderstood.  So in everything you say and do in relation to the other parent, make sure it comes from a place of authentic love.  Regardless of your opinions or actions of the other parent, that person will forever be your PARTNER in the creation of the child, and without their contribution, the child would not exist. So, it is your responsibility to convince your children that EVERYTHING about their existence and creation was divinely ordered for GOOD. In every situation, "Children are a blessing from The Lord...Like arrows in the hand of a warrior!"

Happy Sunday,
Mama Tameka

18 Things I Did Not Do With My 18-Year-Old

Well, we just sent our firstborn to Morehouse College, and I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this time has come.  Over the past couple months, I’ve been asked numerous times by numerous people, primarily parents, “What did you all do?” It’s very humbling to know you impact others through the way you rear your children, but that also comes with great responsibility to be transparent about your overall parenting experience.

There comes a point in the parenting process when you realize it’s one of the most important jobs you’ll ever have, and although the time frame is short, your performance evaluation extends for generations.  Once this fact truly settles in your mind, you move forward with purpose, understanding that although many may disagree with your practices, only you will stand accountable at the end.

So, as it pertains to rearing our oldest, a boy who loves Christ, cherishes his family, serves his community, and is now in college on academic scholarship, here are my thoughts.  Instead of trying to write about things I did, or we did, I chose to write from the perspective of what we tried really hard NOT to do.  Sometimes, a different perspective is just what the doctor ordered!

18 things I did not do with my 18-year-old:

1. I did not take credit for the young man he has become. We are firm believers in the Will of God, and we believe without doubt, that His hand of grace, mercy, and favor has been over the life of our son.  Simply put, the credit all goes to our Lord.

2. I did not promote arrogance.  We teach our children that there is a very, very fine line between arrogance and confidence, and it is imperative they know the difference. If your life is all about “doing you,” you are of no good to anyone else.

3. I did not give him an option to attend church, bible study, or family devotion.  As for me and my house, we will serve The Lord. He understood that every Sunday morning he was going to church, every Wednesday evening he was going to church, and every Monday night he would participate, and often lead, family devotion.  These were never offered as options, but yet requirements for living in our house.

4. I did not relinquish control, negotiate, or felt the need to always offer explanations or discussions.  One thing has always been clear in our home, and that’s who’s in control.  Many believe control is a bad word, but self-control is birthed out of external control.  A child doesn’t gain self-control by way of osmosis, he must be taught/guided.  Today, many children, especially teenagers are in control, due to parents who’ve made it that way.  We understand open dialogue is healthy when agreed upon by the parents.  However, we also think it’s very important for children to understand they are to do certain things without question, hesitation, explanation, or discussions.  Something’s are final for no other reason than the fact your parents have said so.  Our children must understand that our position is enough, and no one “owes” them an explanation.  Our pastor says it is the responsibility of the parents to take a child from moral duty (because I said so) to moral responsibility (because it is the right thing to do).  It is unrealistic to expect moral responsibility without a sense of moral duty.

5. Although I considered myself overprotective, I did not protect him to the point of keeping him from opportunities and lessons that would support his growing independence.  He first rode an airplane alone at the age of 14.  I remember dropping him off to the curbside check-in and reminding him to READ to make sure he ended up in the right place…and yes, there was a connecting flight.  I intentionally refrained from parking the car or walking him to his gate.   At age 12, he was given a checking account and debit card and begin to learn real lessons on spending, saving, and balancing.  At 13, he endured his first important interview.  By age 17, he decided he wanted to leave the country to travel to Honduras with a school mission group. We knew such small experiences were big steps toward his growing to be a man who could independently and confidently handle business.

6. I did not refuse or disregard advice or critiques of my children or my parenting practices, especially those that came from other mothers such as my mother and mother-in-law.  We believe in the beauty of community, and we think it’s required for successful rearing of children.  Every now and then, as a parent, you need to be “called-out” and corrected.  Most mothers today do not want anyone telling them anything about their parenting, and they dare anyone to say something to their children. In my opinion, an offense is something that must be taken.  Instead of taking offense by someone reading me my rights as it pertained to mothering my son, I self-assessed and made the necessary adjustments on my end.

7. I did not spare the rod.  No explanation needed.

8. I did not shield him from a community of parents, nor did I intervene when others saw fit to discipline him.  The parenting of our son was not limited to my husband and I.  We recognized early on the benefits of a community of mothers and fathers, and we intentionally saturated him with such, insisting he developed bonds with other great women and men.  Not only were these people encouraged to guide and share wisdom, but they were also encouraged to discipline and direct.  He knew there were eyes and rods beyond his father and I.

9. I did not give allowance or pay for grades, chores, etc.  Chores and academic hustle are two of many requirements for living in our house.  And everything we require, we do so with an expectancy of excellence, and an understanding that it will help our children in the end.  We do not believe it is our responsibility to pay you for doing such.  In our opinion, you will reap the real payment when you realize those tasks and responsibilities were practice for success in life, and because you were required to do so, you’re miles ahead.

10. I did not assume his responsibility or handle his business.  If we fail at rearing a responsible boy, we set him up to become an irresponsible man, struggling to independently provide for himself and his family.  Before our son entered the college admission process, we decided there were many things we would NOT do.  Getting into college and obtaining scholarships to pay for it were his responsibility, not ours. Therefore, we did not complete applications, request transcripts, watch deadlines, or make the necessary follow-up phone calls to universities.  He understood the importance of this process and its impact on the rest of his life, so he had to handle his own business.

11. I did not tolerate unacceptable behavior, make excuses, or write it off as “normal”… normal toddler behavior, normal teenage funk, or any other so-called “normal” stage of life; nor did I blame others (teachers, friends, etc..) or hold them accountable for his actions and behavior.  If a teacher, administrator, or other adult within our community informs us of inappropriate behavior by one of our children, we do not immediately defer to the child's side of the story. We also refrain from blaming others for decisions they make.  If being outright disrespectful, disobedient, and out of control constitutes normal childhood behavior, we are surely rearing abnormal children.

12.  I never assumed a teacher, administrator, or school was responsible for educating my son.  We always declared we held the primary responsibility of educating our children.  And although his education consisted of many aspects, including school, it was unacceptable to consider school the extent to which he would be educated.  Whatever school offered was considered the bare minimum in comparison to what we and others would add.

13. I did not clean up behind him or clean up for him.  Unfortunately, I’m not the mother who cleans the boy’s room, picks up his things, does his laundry, or irons his clothes.  Nor am I the mother who enters the dormitory room ahead of him with my rubber gloves, bucket, and Lysol.  Nope, you’re going to do those things for yourself and, in the process, wash and iron my clothes every now and then.  :)

14. I did not buy or give him expensive possessions such as Jordans, gaming systems, Beats, smart phones, iPads, or anything else he couldn’t afford, nor did I allow him to get a tattoo or pierce either of his ears. We believe delayed gratification and responsibility produce a different kind of man.  For some strange reason, children really appreciate and care for those things they have to purchase themselves, with their own money. I refused to create a lifestyle of luxury that he can’t realistically maintain independently as a young adult.  At 17, he wanted to transition from the old flip phone we bought to a “smart” phone with email and internet access.  In order to do so, he was required to buy the phone as well as pay his own monthly data charges, and those charges must be fronted to us, a year’s total at a time.  As for the earrings and tattoos, they made no sense to us, Selders men do not wear them, and therefore, they were forbidden in our home.

15. I did not give or make alternatives for prepared dinner.  In our house, we eat dinner as a family, at the kitchen table.  You eat what is prepared, you participate in the family conversation, and there are no other options.

16. I did not assume I possessed the ability to rear a man, so I instead left that responsibility to his father, grandfather, uncles, and a community of other great men.  So often mothers, even those with husbands in the home, battle a “take-over” spirit.  For some reason, we refuse to let the man lead, especially in rearing our sons.  No woman has endured the experience of becoming and being a man, which makes it very difficult for us to rear one alone.  I chose not to try.

17. I did not stop telling him I loved him, and I expected his love in return.  Absolutely every day for 18 years, I have verbally expressed my love to my son…every night before he headed to bed, every morning before he headed to school, and times in between.  And everyday, I reminded him that his love was owed back to us through his actions and decisions.  Sometimes, we invest so much in our children without teaching them their responsibility in the return.  If the expectation of the return is not voiced, then how can we hold them accountable to all we’ve invested?

18. Lastly, I never say never! This is only our 18th year of parenting and two weeks post our first child going off to college.  I refuse to say what he won’t do or will never become.  I understand the magnitude of free will and choices, even when tools and intentional parenting are implemented.  If we teach him to believe failure is not an option, we put him at a disadvantage because that is not reality.  Instead, we must acknowledge that failure is always an option.  And if he insists on choosing that option, my husband and I must allow the fall.  In addition, mistakes and setbacks happen.  And if they do, we hope to be his first line of aid and encouragement!

Peace and Blessings!
-Mama Tameka



***Mama's Note: Although this entry was written from Mama's perspective, the rearing of our son is the collaborative action of both Daddy and Mama!

Your Choice of Mate Speaks Volumes About Your Self-Esteem (08-03-2013)

Michael and I were very blessed to have our family over for the Easter Holiday.  We sat around the kitchen table talking to the teenagers about love and relationships, and we couldn’t help but include one very important fact, “You marry at the level of your self-esteem.”  I first heard this statement about two years ago, and the words were so powerful, they are forever cemented to my brain.

I’m not going to spend a great deal of time writing about this, but I think this point is crucial and pivotal when assessing a mate, especially with the current trends and statistics.  Our young ladies are settling, and because of this, many of our young men are not pressed to STEP-IT-UP.  I think every young person should be aware of this fact, and understand the importance of valuing self to the point of refusing to settle for anyone who does not meet the standards set by them, but more importantly, the ones set by God.  Our daughters need to be confident in telling a “BUSTER” to move on, and our sons need to be held accountable for their actions as well as their choices. 

For some reasons, young women of today are convincing themselves that certain things are “okay.”  For instance, it’s okay if he doesn’t want to go to college, it’s okay if he doesn’t have a job and plays video games all day, it’s okay if he wears his pants below his butt, it’s okay if he has two or three baby mamas, and the list goes on and on.  Our daughters must understand some things are NOT okay, especially if they desire a certain level of peace, happiness, and security.  In addition, our sons must understand to respect and honor the expectation to provide and protect his family, and we as parents must take the responsibility of rearing boys who are ready and capable to meet these demands.  It is difficult to maintain a quality work ethic as a man if you were never required to do so as a boy.

I read an article a few months ago that identified my generation as the first generation that will not surpass the success and prosperity of the previous generations.  In other words, children are no longer growing up to live better and become more successful than their parents.  Instead, many are financially dependent on their parents, and many grandparents are rearing grandchildren.  I believe choice of mate is definitely one of the many issues connected to this epidemic.

So starting today, help your daughter outline some standards for considering a mate, and require your sons to embrace the qualities of a real man!  And if you know your battle with low self-esteem impacted your choice (and your life), be transparent with your children and share your story in hopes of impacting their future.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Athletics vs. Academics? That is the Question. (04-01-2013)

Absolutely every year around this time, I am burdened by the horror stories of athlete students who are facing the realities of the college admission process, specifically as it pertains to athletic scholarships and recruitment.  Many student athletes and parents invest years of time and resources only to realize it does not yield their expected outcome at the end.  I have received many emails and questions surrounding the debate over academics and athletics, and the parental “push” of one over the other. This is not a matter of right or wrong but an opportunity to reiterate the importance of our decisions regarding our children’s futures.

As a mother and educator, I believe sports as well as other extracurricular options, are extremely important and beneficial in developing well-rounded children and teenagers.  In addition, if one of these avenues can serve as an open door to college scholarships, it’s indeed an added benefit.  However, as parents, we must be careful our passion and level of “intent” regarding these activities do not overshadow the life-long value of pursuing academic excellence.
Parenting is one of the most difficult responsibilities on earth, and steering your child in a specific direction is also an extremely hard task.  I know many of us battle with the idea of steering or choosing paths for our children, but in reality, if they were completely capable of making these decisions independently, there would be no need for our guidance and direction. I think this careful decision must accompany four vital practices:

(1)    Pray for God’s Will in the life of your child,
(2)    Understand your specific goals and desires for your child,
(3)    Recognize your child’s gifts, abilities, and talents, and
(4)    Know the level of competition and minimum requirements for becoming a successful and independent adult in today’s global society.

In our home, my husband and I teach our children to view their current activities as “tickets” to  higher education and a successful, independent life.  They understand that their extracurricular activities (music, sports, etc.) are like lottery or raffle tickets, giving them a CHANCE at winning a seat, but only if their number is called.  Now, on the other hand, academic excellence is viewed as a purchased ticket to a RESERVED SEAT… one labeled with their name, not dependent on chance or a called number.

The reality is every ticket increases their CHANCES of winning, and nothing is wrong with having plenty of them as long as one is a ticket for a RESERVED SEAT.  So, before you choose to funnel all your time, energy, and money into something for your child, consider the RESERVED SEAT.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

How About Revealing Some of Your Bones to Your Children (03-20-2013)

Many of our teenagers struggle because of our deliberate refusal to roll up our sleeves, pull down our pants, and expose the ugly scars left behind as a result of our disobedience. For some reason, we don’t think it’s necessary to show them any of the bones from our closets or the baggage from our previous lives. Instead, we move on as though we never struggled with many of the same things they struggle with today: dishonestly, academic failure, low self-esteem, abuse, alcohol, premarital sex, and the list goes on forever. Why do we go through years of child rearing without ever being honest about our own experiences and shortcomings…those that impacted us the greatest?

I believe guilt, embarrassment, and denial are three crucial strongholds keeping us from being transparent with our children. Some of us feel guilty or responsible for the struggles our children are experiencing because we believe they are partly due to decisions we’ve made in life. Some of us are embarrassed about our past and present life decisions and refuse to share those with our children. Lastly, many of us choose to be in denial about our behavior because we know we are still battling disobedience and participating in some unacceptable activity.

I once heard a youth pastor say, “I know all the hypocrites in the church, because your children tell us about you and how you expect something from them that you are unwilling to do yourself.”   You see, too often, we expect a level of excellence from our children that we are unwilling to uphold ourselves. Then, when they earn the same scars we’ve been hiding all their lives, we are angry and disappointed.

It is our duty to model the behavior we desire our children embrace, as well as share our testimonies as encouragement. Our children need to understand we have first-hand experience with the very things we are hoping they resist. Yes, as a Christian parent, it is indeed my responsibility to stand for what is right and stand against what is wrong, but I can do that by using myself and my not-so-perfect past as an example of what NOT TO DO.

Make this the day you will sweep out your closet and unpack your baggage in an effort to benefit your children!

-Mama Tameka

So, what will your children think about the parent you are? (03-08-2013)

God has blessed me with a multi-dimensional perspective of both children, and parents. Over the past years, I’ve had an opportunity to work with students of all ages, elementary to college, and most recently, I’ve been traveling speaking to groups of parents. No matter the format or location, race or economic status, there are indeed some common threads. One obvious thread is the disconnection between the child’s view of the parents and the parents’ views of themselves.

To a certain degree, we are all products of our parental perceptions…our overall opinion of the parents we experienced. If you dig deep into the triumphs, struggles, and pain of even grown adults, some aspect of their childhood and parental experiences are sure to arise. I know many believe that one’s life is based solely on one’s decisions, but have we truly considered how one’s perception of their parents and childhood influence their decisions? How many of us are parenting based on the way our parents parented? How many of us are relating to our spouses based on the way we saw our parents relate? Usually, as adults, we are doing one of two things: (1) emulating what we perceive our parents were, or (2) trying really hard not to do or be what we perceive our parents were.

If you talk to any teacher, school administrator, or family counselor, I’m sure they can run from memory a list of “delusional” parents they’ve encountered. Those of us who are so convinced about the parent we think we are, we are unwilling to consider the parent we really are. Absolutely every time I speak to a group of parents, I’m sure to emphasize one very important point, “It’s not about the parent you think you are, but the parent your children perceive you to be.”  This thought is very difficult for many of us to digest, especially considering our own efforts and opinions, but I challenge you to do one thing today… Consider the perspective of your child regarding your actions and non actions as a parent.

Think about what you do, what you say, how you prioritize your time, and the impact all these things will have on the parent your children perceive you to be, and the parents they will one day become. Improvement is impossible without self assessment and acknowledgement of a need to improve.
Re-evaluate your practices as a parent based on the parent you want your children to remember!

Peace and Blessings!
-Mama Tameka

A Lesson Learned...How One Teacher Impacts Hundreds of Lives (02-12-2013)

Last month while attending a basketball game at my high school alma mater, I was blessed to spend a little time with one of my high school English teachers, Jacquelyn Stevens. Although we talked for just a little over an hour that night, her words and spirit still resonate in my mind. She is now teaching what some call her “grandstudents.”  In other words, the very students she taught years ago are now parents of her current students. As an educator myself, I always tried to glean bits and pieces of my former teachers, striving to be the best teacher possible. Now, after having a moment with Mrs. Stevens, I realize I still have a very long way to go!

What is the major difference between teachers today and teachers thirty years ago? I know many feel the difference does not reside in the teachers, but rather in the children, the parents, the educational system, the church, and everywhere else. However, after listening to a few comments of this woman, who I might add was named The NFL’s Teacher of the Year, I am confident, that even in the midst of such changes, a solid, committed, and driven teacher can make all the difference…in any classroom, with any group of children.

A few important things I’ve learned from a conversation with my teacher:

What she said: These children know I don’t play.

What I learned:  Discipline and respect are non-negotiables.  Educating children is one of the most important duties of this world, and a teacher must approach it as such.  Students will sniff weakness in seconds, so discipline is imperative.  When you have proven “you don’t play,” the children recognize it, and your practices validate your reputation.

What she said: I am not concerned about circumstances I can’t control.  If I never see or meet a child’s parent, that has nothing to do with my purpose and the reason I’m here.

What I learned: As an educator, you can’t waste time and energy focused on the things you can’t control. Instead, you must remain focused on what you know you control, YOUR job, not the job of the parent or anyone else. As a matter of fact, if you know the home/parental situation is not ideal, that’s reason to intensify your effort to impact that child. If more teachers would value and maximize the time they have with their students (which are really the most valuable hours of a child’s day), we would witness a revolution in our schools and our homes.

What she said: I have gone knocking on doors looking for students who have been absent from school.  They know I love them.  These are my children.

What I learned: A committed teacher understands there is really no difference between her own biological children and the children she teaches. If you can’t view your students as your own children, and you make a clear and consistent differentiation between the two, you may want to reconsider your perspective.  For many students today, teachers serve as the most consistent and effective authoritative figure, often yielding more respect and attention than students’ own parents.  We must understand and view every student’s future equally important as that of our own biological children.  Only then will our efforts align our thoughts, producing success in the classroom.

What she said:  Don’t grow weary. If you’re tired, find something else to do. 

What I learned: Don’t grow weary. The worst thing you can present to a child, is a weary and tired disposition. This communicates defeat and lack in motivation to teach.  Your attitude and energy level sets the tone for the entire experience.  You are the mirror into which they look for a reflection.  Students are not motivated by unmotivated teachers.

I was blessed to be a student of this teacher  over twenty years ago, and I continue to be blessed by her words and spirit today.  If you are teaching children, I urge you to adjust your perspective, assess your practices, and function knowing only one thing really matters…the children you’ve been blessed to bless.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Thank you, Mrs. Stevens, for making a difference in my life!

Let's Stay Together! (02-12-2013)

I received a request from a facebook friend to add this post to my blog, so here goes…

December 30th marked another anniversary of the day I married my best friend. One great thing about celebrating our anniversary just two days before the New Year, is the fact that it happens during a time when most are reflecting on the past and planning for the future. As I reflect on my marriage and my life with my husband, I realize that regardless of the trial, test, season or storm, “opting out” was never an option.  We entered this thing with one common understanding: divorce was not an option.  Before even saying “I Do,” we removed that option from the table, understanding that it was not available for our use. You see, if you ask the average person, married or not, what are the things that keep people together, you would get a variety of answers like trust, happiness, honesty, love, belief in God, partnership, etc.  However, if you pay attention to the statistics, many people divorce, even when these characteristics are present. I believe those things are important, but history has proven those things don’t necessarily keep people together. If I had to identify one thing that has kept us together over the years, I would have to mention our decision to stay together.  You see, one of the most important things that keeps people together is merely  “STAYING TOGETHER.”  Instead of focusing on the reasons people leave…or should leave, let’s celebrate those who have committed to stay! I thank God for my husband…a man who has his heart set on God’s Word, and strives to live accordingly. Nothing about us is perfect, but at the same time, everything about us is worth staying. I look forward to the rest of our lives together, and I pray this serves as encouragement to others who are walking the marriage walk.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Our Role in Our Children's Ungratefullness! (11-21-2012)

Each year as the Thanksgiving Holiday draws near, we all feel the urge to reflect and express gratitude for our many blessings. However, this year I’ve come to realize that I, as a parent, have to make some major changes in an effort to impact the gratitude of my own children.
Last week, as I sat out clothes for my 10-year-old to wear to church, I noticed a frown on her face because she didn’t really want to wear what I’d chosen. I began to explain my reasoning for my choice, and then instantly came to my senses… “Why am I standing here explaining myself to a ten-year-old???”

At that moment, I realized we indeed had a problem. I told her she had exactly five minutes to put on those clothes, grab one week’s worth of school uniforms, her school shoes, and meet me downstairs. Of course, she knew I was not happy and insisted on trying to explain, but I refused to allow her even one word.

I gave her a dictionary, a notebook, and 2 pencils. I told her to define the following words: gratitude, ungrateful, disrespectful, appreciative, brat, obedience, thankful, privileged, abundance, and sacrifice. Then, I had her write 250 lines, including sentences like, “I understand my mother and father work very hard for the things I have,” and “I will appreciate everything the Lord has blessed me with.” Lastly, I expressed to her my disappointment in her attitude and explained she owns NOTHING, including that bedroom, closet, and everything in it, and until I decided otherwise, she was officially banned from entering the bedroom.

Later that night, I had to look in the mirror and reluctantly admit the ugly truth…(1) It wasn’t the first time I’d seen residue of ungratefulness in my children, and (2) I was responsible for creating this monster of ungratefulness! You see, it is very hard to be grateful when you have so much, and most of what you have you really didn’t earn. I had always considered myself a strict parent because my children are not allowed to do and have many things other children are allowed, but I realize that even in that, they still receive far too much.

I grew up in a house with a single mother, an ailing grandmother, and six children. My mother worked two jobs to get us the things we needed, and the things we wanted were rarely given any attention. My mother did not believe in rewarding us for things we were supposed to do like behaving, doing well in school, cleaning the house, etc., and allowance was unheard of. I’m convinced this had an impact on my drive, my ambition, my work ethic, and certainly my level of respect and gratitude.

Researchers have predicted that the current generation of youth will be the first generation who will not meet or surpass their parents’ level of success. Whether this will hold true or not, or whether we are willing to admit it or not, we must take part of the blame for this assertion.  The biggest mistake I believe we make as parents is providing lifestyles for our children that they (1) did not earn, and (2) can’t maintain when they become young adults. This results in privileged little people who are convinced they’re owed something.

I understand there are various reasons we do and buy ridiculous things for our children, often times knowing we can’t afford it. Some of us want our children to have more than we did, some of us feel that our children represent a status we’ve achieved, some of us buy for our children out of feelings of guilt or inadequacies as parents, and many of us just give things to our children without really considering a reason or impact.

For most parents, our greatest goal is for our children to become independent adults. This means they are totally capable of providing and maintaining their own well-being, without the financial assistance of their parents. This, however, is very difficult for a young adult who came from a childhood of luxuries he/she can no longer afford, and it serves as the gateway to debt at a very early age.

During this season of reflection and thankfulness, I urge you to take a moment to assess the gratitude of your children. Then, ask yourself, “In what ways am I contributing to my child’s ATTITUDE and GRATITUDE?” Today is a great day to intentionally begin leading your children down a road of gratitude and successful independence!

Here are 10 simple ways to get started:

 1. Make it a point to help your children understand they own nothing, and you own everything they have.

 2. Do not make a habit of buying your children things they don’t need without directly connecting it to something they’ve done to earn it.

 3. Examine the things you provide for your children. Determine whether or not they will be able to continue this without your support when they become adults. Are Ralph Lauren and Air Jordans really necessary? Why?

 4. As a family, dedicate time at least once a month to serve (hands-on) those in need.

 5. Have each child keep a gratitude journal, chronicling their many blessings.  Help them understand gratefulness is directly connected to obedience.

 6. Model healthy spending and budgeting for your children, and teach them the importance of “living within your means.”

7. Convey a message of responsibility and independence now, so your children understand your expectations of them as young adults.

 8. Do not financially support a healthy adult child who is not in school, and make sure your financial support for children in school is limited to their needs.

 9. Help your children assess the way they spend their own money/allowance. Teach them to save, budget, and tithe/give.

 10. Continue to pray and ask God for direction in helping your children become successful and grateful adults.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Don't Give Up on Our Children. (10-29-2012)

Several weeks ago during a morning church service, my pastor made a very simple statement that has been ringing in my head for over a month now.  He said, “Do not cutoff or give up on your kid.  It is your honor to give your life to your children, especially if their lives can be changed in the process, through your patience.”  Then the last statement he made was like an uppercut to my gut!  He went on, “Remember, somebody waited, or is still waiting, on you through your foolishness!”  Those three sentences have not only altered the way I view and speak about my own children, but the way I view other people’s children, and the way I now view my own adolescent years.

I remember the day I sat in a clinic barely listening to a nurse tell me I was going to be a mother.  I couldn’t concentrate on anything she said, because I could only think to myself, “MY MAMA IS GOING TO KILL ME!”  For two days, I rehearsed in agony the moment I would have to face my mother with this news.  The one thing I did not consider was the possibility of her exhibiting the love and patience my pastor mentioned a few Sundays ago.

My mother’s response was very simple, yet firm and sincere.  She said, “Tameka, you’ve done an excellent job at everything you’ve put your mind to, and I believe you will set your mind on being excellent at this too. I will do what I can to help you.”  She indeed kept her word, and for the first year of my son’s life, he was cared for by his grandparents, my mother and my husband’s parents, while we attended college over 120 miles away.
 
Seventeen years later, five years after my mom’s death, I now realize that love and patience were imperative to my success, and had she chosen to give up on me, my course of life could have been very different.

With the published statistics and trends, many of you assume children of the current generation are lost and doomed to failure, immaturity, and laziness.  I refuse to accept those assumptions.  By all means, I agree, today’s young people are different, but they are also some of the smartest and most talented people I’ve met.  They possess the abilities and intellect most of us dreamed of at their age.  Between parenting, working, and volunteering, I have many opportunities to interact with young people, and I am always encouraged and reminded of my duty to “Keep hope alive!”

Once a year, I review applications and conduct interviews for a national scholarship organization, and I am astounded by the intellect and personal stories of each student.   The task of narrowing the selection is dreadful and near impossible, but I leave those interviews beaming with pride and excitement about the possibilities of the next generation. 

I understand some are already building prisons for our children and our grandchildren, but it is our responsibility to steer them in another direction.  I know many mothers and fathers are ready to “throw in the towel” as it pertains to the actions and attitudes of their children.  For some, this also includes adult children who are struggling.  Nevertheless, regardless of the age or the details of the struggle, I encourage you to remain loving, patient, and prayerful for your children.  Encourage and help them when you can.

There are enough people in the world betting against our children; don’t board that bandwagon.  Instead, begin paving a road of love and patience through your words and your actions.  When it gets tough, just reflect on the ones who were patient with you…through your foolishness, and how their prayers and patience brought you through.

On the other hand, if your children are striving and thriving, and you feel like you are partly responsible for their successes, share your time and energy with other parents and children who have not been so successful.  It takes a village…a community of people focused on a common goal for all children. Remember, our attitude and patience as adults, even in the midst of trouble and chaos, can steer our children in the direction of success.  It’s never too late to make a difference in the life of your child, or someone else’s child.

Make the decision to intentionally impact a child today!

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Is Your African American boy ready? (10-09-2012)

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to review The Schott Foundation’s Report on Public Education and African American Males (www.blackboysreport.org). As I browsed the very uncomfortable statistics, I grew from bothered, to angry, to plain ole SCARED. According to this study, “52 percent of Black male and 58 percent of Latino male ninth graders graduate from high school four years later.” In essence, if this is anywhere near accurate, for every two African American males in ninth grade, one will not graduate four years later. Although we hear such statistical numbers from year to year, the reality of the problem hits home harder for me as my two sons grow older.

Last year was the first time I heard the term “Prep School Negro.” It immediately struck me as offensive although the gentleman uttering the words was perfectly comfortable with using them to describe/refer to himself (mid 40s) and my oldest son (16). He could read the frustration in my eyes, so he encouraged me to visit and read the website www.prepschoolnegro.org. I ran to my car, immediately grabbed my phone, and searched for the site. Halfway through the director’s brief statement, I hung my head in fear and realization that I indeed had a son who shares his story.

As a former private school teacher, mother of African-American private/prep school boys, and a member of an advisory committee for a national minority scholarship organization, I realize that whether our boys are in public schools or private/prep schools, they are faced with some very difficult realities.

According to statistics, African American boys graduate from high school with a vocabulary approximately one-third that of their non-minority counterparts. Many African American students have not read even one classic novel by the time they reach high school, whereas their competition has read most of them by sixth grade. I could go on for days with statistics, but the truth still remains… Statistics Don’t Always Define Our Destiny!

Every year, as I sit in college scholarship interviews I am ABSOLUTELY AMAZED by the intelligence, character, poise, and confidence of young African American men who walk through the door. Honestly, by the end of the day, it is nearly impossible to narrow our selection. This solidifies my optimism and the fact that as parents, there are some things we can do to ensure our sons and daughters are ready to compete.
Based on my experiences as an educator, here are a few of my suggestions:

1. Parents have to be the researchers, the teachers, and most certainly the praying!!!!! We have to be “in the know;” no longer assuming everyone believes a quality education is a right.

2. We must change our perspective of the role of the school and teacher. View them as supplements to a curriculum you control. In other words, research and plan what your child really should be studying and reading, and do so at home. Don’t wait and depend on a failed school system to create those standards.

3. School assignments and homework are the bare minimum requirement. Set the standard for your child far higher. Create writing, math, and reading assignments beyond what is required by the school.

4. Understand that an “A” in one school, could very well equate to a B, C, or even a D in other schools. Know how your child and your child’s school compare to other students and schools…throughout the country. Because the reality is these are the children they will compete against for college admission.

5. Help your child understand that his competition is no longer just other American students, but his competition is global… The entire world!

6. Boost your child’s word bank by requiring him to know and speak using precise, intelligent vocabulary. Encourage him to delete words like “good” and “bad.”

7. Interact and practice intelligent conversation with your child. Force him to speak about topics in the news and issues facing our world today. Make him read the newspaper; order Reader’s Digest and National Geographic.

8. Help your child become a global citizen, knowing something about geography, other parts of the world, people, cultures, religions, and customs. Begin covering his walls with maps.

9. Have your child read the original, unabridged classics. These are a few I recommend reading before high school: Little Women, The Wizard of Oz, A Christmas Carol, Moby Dick, Treasure Island, The Giver.

10. Encourage your child to seriously study and become fluent in another language, and if possible, take at least one trip out of the country.

I concur, there is no “secret sauce” to success, but prayer and effort will surely point you in the right direction.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Check Your Sources! (10-03-2012)

For the past three years, I’ve taught ELAR (English Language Arts and Reading).  One thing I always stress to my students when researching, writing, and citing sources is the importance of assessing their sources and differentiating reliable sources from unreliable sources, and primary sources from secondary sources.

As I grow older, and prayerfully wiser, I realize children in a classroom are not the only ones who need to develop a practice for assessing sources. With the growth of reality TV, social media, TV evangelism, talk shows, blogging, etc., everyone has something to say…everybody has a book to write.  The problem is we very seldom consider the reliability or track record of the people dispensing the information.

How often do we assess the individuals we give our ears, and moreover our spirits to?  How many times have we looked pass the TALK to truly examine the WALK?

Whether in elementary school, high school…graduate school, or law school, there is a common thread of key standards to assessing sources:

(1) VERIFIABILITY – Is the person/information verifiable? Can what is being said be confirmed?

(2) STABILITY/CONSISTENCY – Will this information stand or endure over time, or is it based on what’s popular at the moment?

(3) CREDENTIALS – What qualifies this person and the information dispensed? What type of studying or research has this person performed? Does this person hold an accredited degree or certificate in this area?

(4) EXPERIENCE/KNOWLEDGE – How does this person’s life and experience relate to what is being said? More importantly, how does this person’s life (relationship, marriage, parenting, etc.) parallel what I want for my own?

(5) INTENT/INTENDED AUDIENCE – What is the ultimate goal of this person/information, and who or what is it really intended? Am I characteristic of that audience?

I encourage you to use these simple standards for assessment the next time you proceed to take advice.  Don’t base your life decisions on the latest New York best seller or the celebrity talk show host with the highest ratings. Don’t take  advice in a particular area from someone with a shaky track record in that area.  Instead, pray and seek God about His plans and your desires for your life. Then determine whether the source is capable of steering you in that direction.

Be cautious of jumping on the “band wagon” because it may not be carrying what you truly desire in your own life and future.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Is your glass half EMPTY or half FULL? (9-26-2012)

My grandmother was 19-years-old when she had my mother, my mother was 19-years-old when she had me, and…yep, you guessed it, just 15 days after my nineteenth birthday, I gave birth to my oldest son. Many people refer to such as a generational curse.  However, I don’t because my family, particularly my mother, intentionally made sure I thought differently.  Is it a generational cycle?  Yes.  Can cycles be interrupted? Absolutely.

This morning I took that (now 16-year-old) son of mine to the airport.  He is one of four students selected to attend the National Black MBA Conference in Indianapolis.  As I watched him make his way through the security line, I couldn’t help but reflect on his little life, and the amazing opportunities we’ve experienced through him.  Three years ago he received admission and scholarship to attend a very selective and prestigious high school.  Last summer, he was invited to study medicine at Baylor College of Dentistry and Howard’s Medical School, and he was also given an opportunity to compete in the National Black MBA Youth Business competition. He is currently the president of his Top Teens of America chapter, member of his school’s baseball team, and an active member of his youth ministry.
I never really knew my biological father, and for many years I resented him for that…not knowing his side of the story, and not really caring.  I can only remember seeing him two times, the latter being his funeral.  I was 20-years-old and rather numb about his premature death, and even upon entering his funeral, I considered him a non-contributor to my life.  Oh, but was I wrong.  That day, at that funeral, my thoughts and my life changed.  I realized my father gave me one thing no one else had ever given me, not even my mother.  That “thing” was a person…a sister!   

Yes, I met my only sister at our father’s funeral, and we’ve been best buds ever since.  I’m still often mesmerized by our relationship and just how alike we truly are.  We are the same age, pledged the same sorority, both love photography, and are both elementary school teachers.  When I need to bounce an idea off someone or share one of my funny mommy moments, she’s one of the first people I call.  She was in my wedding, I was in her wedding, and the list goes on.

The point I’m trying to make by sharing these experiences is the importance of PERSPECTIVE and ATTITUDE.  Both of the above could have been viewed quite differently, and therefore the outcomes may have been different as well.  As I reflect on the many life experiences that have shaped me into the person I am today, I realize that my perspective of those experiences makes all the difference. 
Many people ponder over the reasons children who grow up in the same home and experience the same upbringing, grow up to be very different individuals, making very different decisions in life.  One child may go on to become a doctor or attorney, while another may battle with substance abuse or depression.  Why is this?  I think the individual perceptions varied, causing the outcomes to also vary.
While studying photography, I learned one thing early on.  Adjusting your lens is critical to a beautiful shot.  I encourage you to adjust your lens.  Whether you view your glass half empty or half full really doesn’t matter at all.  What does matter is your faith in knowing that whatever has been poured into your glass was never a surprise to the God we serve.  However, you have a will and choice in how you view your glass, which will ultimately impact what you do with it. 

Don’t waste time complaining or sobbing over what “is” or “is not” in your glass.  Pick it up and make a toast to a better life!

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Doing You vs. BEING You... (9-25-2012)

When did “being you” go out of style?  For some reason, it is no longer cool to just BE yourself.  Instead, everyone is mesmerized by the whole “Do YOU” mantra.  We spend our time, energy, and certainly our money illuminating that person we want everyone to think we are. You know, the one with all the stuff… smart, good-looking, well dressed, well versed, luxury ride, big house, debt-free, and let’s not forget…on his/her way to the TOP (wherever that is). We are rapidly morphing into the person we want to appear to be, while losing our true selves in the process.

Over six years ago I decided to go natural and do the big chop, or TBC as many refer to it.  Afterwards, I remember looking in the mirror and realizing the woman staring back at me was a complete stranger.  It had very little to do with the hair or the physical me, but it had absolutely everything to do with the inner me. For the first time in my life, I realized I was disconnected from myself.  Because I was so consumed with the person I thought I “should” be, I had abandoned the person I “longed” to be. 

The untimely death of my mother ignited a reality check within me, prompting me to really assess what was most important, and encouraging me to function accordingly.  I now realize I spent years of my life diligently working on a Tameka who lacked many of the characteristics, gifts, and desires of the true Tameka. 

Now, absolutely every morning, I take a moment to intentionally stare at that woman in the mirror, studying her, and growing to know the woman God designed me to be.  I now realize “Doing YOU” is so easy when you decide to just “BE you.”

Instead of spinning your rat wheel trying to maintain someone you’re not, take a break and ask God to reveal the person He created you to be.  Today is a great day to get reacquainted with the true you.

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

Hello World!

Hello World!

Thank you for visiting my blog page.  I wholeheartedly love writing and sharing my experiences as a mother and educator, in hopes of helping someone else.  For those of you who do not know me, I am a thirty-something year old wife, mother of three, and elementary teacher.  In addition to teaching and running a business, I’ve opted to commit my time and energy to some other goals and passions…writing being one of the first of them.  

I embrace the fact that God has placed within me many gifts, experiences, and wisdom far beyond my age.  It is my desire to use these gifts and experiences to generate discussion related to relationships, marriage, parenting, family, and education.  I definitely do not have the answers to all life’s problems, but I am confident I can offer a perspective worth considering.  I believe TRANSPARENCY is the first step towards healing, restoration, and peace.  Therefore, I aim to practice and promote transparency in every post.  

In other words, I plan on “Keeping it Real.”

I look forward to a blessed experience through sharing with you.

- Mama Tameka