10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law

At least half of the time I gather or chat with other married women, the topic of mothers-in-law surfaces, and it's very often immensely negative. It forces me to realize how many women do not have a thriving relationship with their mothers-in-law, and how very grateful I am for mine. So, today, I reflect on God's blessing of the woman I call Mrs. Selders, my "Mother-In-Love," and encourage those of you with Mothers-in-Love to do the same.  If my thoughts provoke feelings of defensiveness or offensiveness, I apologize in advance.  These words represent nothing more than my thoughts, and yes, I understand there are always exceptions.

Peace and Blessings,

Mama Tameka

10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law (MIL)

1. You do not understand and acknowledge her position.

Throughout life, we are taught the importance of looking beyond people to respect their position.  Adulthood does not automatically release us from being the "children" of our parents.  Nor does "leave and cleave" imply an isolation or abandonment of the people we call Mom and Dad.  You must understand and acknowledge your Mother-In-Law is the mother of your husband and greatly responsible for the man he's become. If for no other reason than this, you are indebted.  And if you're one of those women who blame your MIL for the imperfections in your husband, then SHAME ON YOU for choosing him.

2. You have not allowed her in.

You have (either intentionally or by default) created clear boundaries and restrictions where your mother-in-law is concerned.  You have not given her the freedom to act as your "bonus" mother. Instead, your actions or non actions, words or silence, have communicated a need for her to keep her distance, remain in her place, or proceed with caution.  When was the last time you gave her the green light by expressing your desire for her to pour into your life?  

3. You are in competition with her because you fail to see her true value in your life.

When teammates compete against each other, it serves as a clear sign that one or both of them do not understand their position.  Confusion about individual position and responsibility threatens defeat for the entire team. You must realize you and your Mother-In-Law are members of the same team. You could never be your husband's mother, just as she could never be his wife. So, instead of extending energy battling against your own teammate, draft the plays necessary to WIN!

4. You invest little to no time in building a relationship with her.  Your interaction with her is solely dependent on your husband...her son.

For some reason, daughters-in-law are convinced that their only interaction with their Moms-in-Law must include or be tied to their husbands.  That is simply not the reality.  Who says you are to only spend time with your MIL when your husband is present? Develop your own special connection to her; become connected beyond your husband...her son. 

5. You do not believe she is OWED your respect and honor, but instead, you believe it is her responsibility to earn it.

I'm still trying to understand why people insist respect must be earned. Who are you to consider yourself so important that others must "earn" your respect? Really?  If God extended His blessings to us based on what we earned or deserved, we would have nothing! Your mother-in-law is OWED your respect and honor.  The bible does not say honor your parents, as long as they've earned it, or to the extent you see fit.

6. When she speaks, you do not listen.

Please understand God speaks to you through others, including your mother-in-law.  Try experiencing the blessing in SHUTTING UP and listening.  How dare you resist or refute everything she says, assuming her comments have no validity in your life, your decisions as a mother, and your decisions as a wife? Who are you to insist you know best, when you've experienced only a fraction of the life she has lived? She's teaching you to be a mother-in-law.  

7. You do not make every effort to visit her.

I hear many young wives/mothers explain their reason for not visiting their mother-in-law is because she doesn't visit them or her grandchildren.  My response... Give me a break and Grow up.  It is your responsibility for your children to know and develop relationships with their family members, especially their grandmother.  As parents, our efforts mold and nurture the relationships our children develop with our loved ones.  We live an approximate six hour car drive from my in-laws, and we have committed to making sure we plan a visit to them at least once a month.  Regardless of the schedules, conflicts, commitments, or finances, sacrifice to make it happen, teaching your children their grandparents are priority.  

8. You don't fully understand the example you set for your own children through your interactions with her.

Our children do not grow to be parents based on what we said over the years, but they parent based on what they've seen and experienced over the years.  Your parenting greatly impacts the way they will rear their own children.  In the same manner, your interaction with your MIL will define many of the Do's and Don'ts as it pertains to their understanding and choices in their own in-law relationships.  Our children learn to take care of us, by the ways they've watched us prioritize their grandparents.  Do not expect your adult son to insist his wife cares for you in a way he did not experience you caring or tending to his grandmother, your Mother-In-Law. 

9. You're battling insecurities or hurt that stem from other failed relationships.

We often carry insecurities and doubts based on prior experiences or other damaged relationships. It is difficult to extend trust or relinquish your guard to your mother-in-law or anyone else if you are still scarred by previous experiences. Maybe you didn't experience the best relationship with your own mother, or your husband does not have a great relationship with his mom.  Maybe your thoughts about your MIL are based on your own "stuff."

10. You haven't gotten over you!

My pastor insists the most successful relationships consists of two people with healthy concepts of self.  It is almost impossible to experience great relationships when you do not embrace a healthy concept of self, realizing "It Ain't About You!"  Love is sacrificing self, for the benefit of another.  Self assess and GET OVER YOU! 

Mother-in-Love and Baby Girl, ESSENCEfest 2014