Keep Your Eyes (and Your Words) on the Prize...And off the people you claim don't matter.

Friday’s Fun Fact:  The peace that results from COMING TOGETHER far outweighs the peace of cutting off people.  Sometimes, it’s not about what another person can’t do for you, but what God has placed in you to contribute to the other person.

I do not know the details of the relationships in the photos below, but one thing I know for sure: With time, maturity, and life experiences, you grow to realize some fights just ain’t worth fighting. 

Over the past few months, I’ve seen a significant increase in posts that are dedicated to “those” people…you know, the ones you accuse of watching you from afar, worried about you, jealous of you, hating on you, waiting for you to fail, and the list goes on and on and on.  Don’t you think, that if “those” people truly didn’t matter to you, you wouldn’t choose to dedicate whole posts and conversations to their non-existence and non-contribution to your life? If so, why do we choose to extend so much time and energy into calling out who/what we believe does not matter, instead of focusing our time and energy on the things and people who do?  I personally believe that answer rests in tidbits of insecurity that causes those people and their opinions to really matter, and  in this crazy world of social media, such posts serve as the perfect temporary band-aid over a deeper issue.

Building confidence and driving purpose begins and ends with Y-O-U.  When you are sincerely dedicated to being who God created you to be, and receiving the blessings He’s set aside for you, you understand the manifestations of those blessings are validated through your relationship with Him, not anyone else.  Because no one else has access or power to alter or intercept what God has decided is yours.  When your eyes are truly on the prize, there’s no time available to count, acknowledge, or shake off your so-called haters. 

The more you grow, the more you know…not necessarily the other way around.  Sometimes we’re so convinced we know everything, our knowledge stunts our growth.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Peace and Blessings,

-Mama Tameka

Please note: In no way am I suggesting, implying, or recommending anyone reconsider, remain, or rekindle relationships of abuse or violation.  I wholeheartedly agree such relationships require action that guarantee safety and wellness.

Teachers with Guns...It Ain't Good.

Over the past couple days, I've been tagged in several posts about teachers and guns, and I want my social media friends and followers to know that my lack of response is not due to a choice to ignore the conversation, but a frustration that rests in the fact that I’m a mother, and a teacher.  I try hard to not get too involved in political debates because they are so exhausting and time consuming for me, but I realize this topic is beyond meaningless debate and involves the lives of children and teachers.

There are two main points that I want to address as it pertains to my opinions and choice in NOT SUPPORTING the idea to train teachers to bear and use guns within the schools.

1.     THIS AIN’T GOOD FOR BLACK CHILDREN!

I am a Black mother of three Black children, an educator/mentor to hundreds of Black children, and a colleague to many Black and non-Black educators.  Let’s just say I have enough experience with Black children and teachers, particularly within the school and classroom environment, to know and understand a suggestion to give teachers guns adds another layer to the already stressful and fearful realities of Black children and parents of Black children.  You see, because of my years of experience in education, I can clearly and very realistically see how news headlines can quickly shift from “Mentally Ill and Emotionally Disturbed Student Opens Fire In School” to “Teacher Mistakes Student Wearing Hoodie For An Intruder and Shoots Him,” and we all know how that story will end.

If you still believe Black children, especially Black boys are not perceived and treated differently in and outside the classroom, you need to check your pulse.  There are tons of research that speak to a correlation between perceived notions about Black students/children and teacher/adult response.  And if the research is not enough, invite a Black man to coffee and ask him about his childhood school and adult life experiences.

2.     THIS AIN’T GOOD FOR TEACHERS!

Just in case you haven’t noticed, today’s teachers are literally RUNNING OUT OF THE CLASSROOM, at full speed, without looking back.  In my experience, very few of today's teachers entered undergraduate school aspiring to be a school teacher, and many of those who are currently in the classroom are in the midst of life’s Plan B or C and actively looking for a viable Plan C or D.  I’m not concluding no one wants to teach, enjoys teaching, or believes teaching is their God-given purpose.  I’m saying even those people who believe teaching is what they were created to do are actively strategizing a way to fulfill this purpose in other ways, beyond the realms of a classroom.

If you browse the latest lists of burnout statistics, underemployed careers, underpaid positions, least favorable college majors, high-stress work environments, jobs with high turnover, careers with high rates of depression, EDUCATION, EDUCATORS, and/or TEACHERS almost always rest within the top 10.  Let me give you an idea of why I believe this is so.

Let's look at a few of the current expectations of a classroom teacher.

 1.   You want me to function, quite productively, as the only adult within a classroom of 20+ children for 30+ hours a week, with very limited options for discipline and redirection.

 2. You want me to prepare my students to meet unrealistic state and national standards, maintain high scores on unrealistic tests, and become global students ready and willing to compete with children from other parts of the world who do not uphold such unrealistic educational practices.  Don't forget, you want me to successfully accomplish all of this by practicing a differentiated approach in which I plan according to the "individual" gifts and needs of each child.

 3. You want me to possess college degrees, pass tests and other requirements for a teacher certification, obtain continuing education credits, and travel to learn the latest and greatest in educational trends, that I don’t really have time to implement in my classroom due to #2.

 4. You want me to listen, satisfy, and meet the expectations of 40+ parents who don’t spend as much time with their children as I do, yet they’ve convinced themselves that they have all the answers regarding who their children really are and what they really need.

 5. You want me to take care of myself and take care of my own children and family on a salary that is less than many salaries of non-degreed/non-certified professionals.

 6. This is the best one of all, you want me to complete numbers 1-5, all while smiling and showing zero signs of frustration, fatigue, disappointment, or depression.

Now, think about this for a minute: In addition to the above, SOMEBODY IS SUGGESTING ADDING A #7 TO THIS LIST! And that #7 involves more training, plus GUNS!  You gotta be kidding me!

Lastly, please miss me with the "you want to take our guns" rhetoric, because nowhere in this blog did I mention taking your guns.

Peace and Blessings,

Mama Tameka

Nuggets from Your Mama: Ten Things I Want My Daughter to Know

Over the past 16 years, I've grown to understand I have a responsibility to my daughter that is very, very different from my responsibility to my sons.  Every day with her is a new adventure, and a new opportunity to give her information I feel is valuable to her future, but most importantly, to her overall wellness.  So every day, sometimes multiple times a day, I drop into her girl bucket, what I call "Nuggets from Your Mama."

Today, I read a post from a mother that encouraged me to share a few of those nuggets.  Thank you for posting that question, Dionne.  It's been at least two years since I've formally shared anything.

I understand and respect the fact that my nuggets don't necessarily align everybody's advice for their own daughters, and I'm okay with that. Happy Hump Day to all the women out there blessed with the opportunity to #TeachTheGirl!  

I wouldn't trade this mommy-daughter roller coaster for the world!  

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

10 Nuggets for my daughter:

1. You date and marry at the level of your self-esteem. I can look at your mate and get a pretty good idea of what you believe about yourself.

2. You’re the prize, and if he gets you, he’s winning.  He needs to be able to articulate (through his words and actions) and convince you (and your daddy) that he’s worthy of such a prize.

3. You weren’t created to be anybody’s “ride or die” and don’t fall for that immature cliche'.  You demand a full explanation of where he desires to take you, why, the planned route, and you communicate your unwillingness to “die” in the process.

4. Don’t fall for that “No One is perfect” mess either! No one is perfect; we all know that, but there is someone “perfect for you.”  You are not looking for isolated perfection in any human; you’re awaiting confirmation of God’s perfect mate, specifically chosen for you.

5. If you’re confident the man you’re with is the person God has for you, then stop looking for validation from other people.  However, if you know the man you’re with ain’t the one from God, then stop being mad when your loved ones tell you,"That joker ain’t the one."

6. Your daddy is the MINIMUM STANDARD for your expectations of a man.  He has set the tone for the level of care you require.  When you lower your standard, you must also lower your expectation.  High expectations and low standards don’t work well together.  You don’t get honey by tapping on rose bushes.

7. You better know and uphold your dealbreakers.  My friend (@LoveMcPherson) puts it best, “Know what your love can (AND CAN’T) cover!”  And I will add, “When you see crap you know your love can’t cover, RUN, Girl, R-U-N!"

8. Independence is overrated and highly miscommunicated.  That “I don’t need anybody” rant often comes from a place of unresolved disappointment and pain.   You can’t consistently scream, “I don’t need nobody,” and then get mad when you’re exhausted from doing all the work by yourself.  You must possess THE ABILITY to take care of yourself, when required or desired, as well as an expectation to be cared for.  One without the other is crazy.  Having a husband who takes care of you doesn’t mean you don’t possess the ability to take care of yourself; it simply means you have options. 

9. Pretty is a good thing.  There's nothing wrong with believing you’re pretty. I don’t care how smart, successful, wealthy, or educated a girl is, we all like to hear someone say, “You’re pretty.”  However, pretty ain’t your end goal.  DO SOMETHING BEYOND PRETTY!

10. Older women have experiences and insight you do not possess. Sometimes you gotta know when to SHUTUP AND LISTEN.  Does listening mean you consider their every word the gospel? Absolutely not; but at least be respectful and attentive enough to filter their words for material you can use. Don’t be so full of yourself that you’re unwilling to hear someone else, especially an elder, and live to regret it later in life.  ASK ME HOW I KNOW!

My favorite Girl!

Leaving What You Love for Who You Love

A couple years ago, someone shared an article that suggested stay-home moms were most impactful during the adolescent and teens years, in comparison to infant and toddler stages.  Of course, I scratched my head at the thought, especially considering the decades of research and lists of so-called professionals who argue the opposite.  Like many mothers, I chose to be home during those baby and toddler years, and although that was the absolute poorest years of our lives, I believe they were also some of the richest.  Once my youngest became a walking, talking, independently pottying boy, I slowly re-entered the working world, only agreeing to work in a places that would allow me to bring him along.  At this point in my life I assumed I was rolling, everybody in school, a paycheck in my purse, and a sense of freedom and accomplishment with that "no more babies" swag.  

Then, reality hit me!  

In the midst of this new freedom, I still wrestled the guilt of so many "missed" opportunities during the busyness and hustle of being a working mom.  I'm not referring to games, parties, or recitals, I'm talking about those pivotal life lessons that often make or break an emerging adult: spirituality, money management, character development, awareness of gifts/talents, confidence, integrity, standards in dating, dress, time management, organization, all those areas many adults are still trying to "figure out," the stuff they don't intentionally teach you in school.  Not only was I releasing a young man into the world of adulthood, but I had this little girl who was moving into womanhood (on fast forward mode), and looking directly toward me for an example. 

I will never forget the day we found out we were having a baby girl.  My emotions shifted almost daily, from degrees of pure joy and excitement to fear and anxiety.  Although I already had six years of parenting under my belt, I knew this was oh so different.  You see, as a mother of a son, there's this crazy sense of relief that resides in knowing Daddy has the greatest responsibility in rearing a young man.  However, unlike with the boy, much of the lady this little girl will grow to become is greatly impacted by my role as her mother.   I remember thinking to myself, "Wow God, you must think so highly of me!"

Last year, our sweet girl transitioned from her small village of an elementary school, where her mommy shared the teaching responsibility with some of the best teaching aunties and uncles in the world, to a larger middle/high school of about 600 students.  Although the Holy Spirit continually confirmed my need to "reel it in," I refused to acknowledge the obvious signs of a preteen girl needing her mom.  Instead, I tried convincing myself that this was all normal stages of adolescence, I was a great mom, she'll grow out of some things, she's just being extra, I'm reading too deeply into this, she is privileged and has too much, and the best one, girls of working moms turn out just fine.  From choices in music and movies to text exchanges, sideways conversation, and disinterest in the things she once loved, this girl was rapidly moving toward a place oh so familiar to me...that place I entered as a teen girl, the very same place I vowed and prayed my own daughter would not experience.

So, in an effort to do my part in helping her realize and embrace the amazing little person God created in her, I've stepped away from employment and pulled her out of school.  For at least one year, we're endeavoring to learn together, explore together, and most importantly, grow together.  We're only one month in, and we have shared experiences, conversation, tears, hugs, kisses, and even selfies to last us a lifetime.  Absolutely every day, I am mesmerized by new discoveries of this little person I call my daughter. Her creativity, courage, wittiness, and certainly her sense of style are all confirmation of God's favor in my life.  And although there have been days we both second-guess this decision, my prayer is that when she's grown, maybe with her own daughter, she'll reflect on this time as one of the best years of her life.  

Yes, life is short and filled with shifts and seasons of growth and change.  I'm just so thankful God has blessed me with the boldness and confidence to move when He says, "Move!"

Continue to pray for us, y'all.

-Mama Tameka

The Guilt of "Not Knowing"

Last year, during a casual visit with my aunt, I discovered one of my cousins had been incarcerated for months.  My initial response, "I didn't know."

Months later, during a long overdue conversation with my college girlfriend, she casually mentioned, "You know I was diagnosed with cancer," and my immediate response, "Oh, no, I didn't know!"

Earlier this summer, while scrolling through my FB newsfeed, I noticed a testimony from another friend about her college-aged daughter's battle with cancer, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I didn't know."

I moved into a different house in June, and for over two months, I casually smiled, waved, and spoke to my neighbor.  I always noticed his children and their grandmother, but I never saw his wife.  Last week, he walked to the fence and informed me that his wife had been released to hospice.  My response, "Hospice? I had no idea your wife was ill!"  That very same day, she made her transition.

Yesterday, I opened my Facebook app to a beautiful picture of a high school friend.  Someone liked the photo, and I liked it too.  Then, as I continued to scroll, I noticed several people were liking and reposting her photos, and I just continued to like them too.  Finally, in the midst of scrolling I ran into a simple message from my dear brother, her husband, that stated, "With extreme sadness I must say that the love of my life passed away."  Again, my response, "I didn't know."

How often do you see someone, talk to someone, or read a social media update about someone and say to yourself, "I didn't know."  How often do we not know a friend has lost a spouse, has a child incarcerated, caring for an ill parent, battling a health diagnosis, or just struggling in some aspect of life.  How often do we hear of someone dying and our first reaction is, "I had no idea he was sick," or "I didn't know she was 'that' sick."

With the advancement in technology and a plethora of friends and family at our fingertips, why is it still so hard for us to remain "In the Know" when it comes to the needs of our sisters and brothers?  How easy is it to pick up a phone, make a phone call, drop a text, send a message, or simply drive by the house of a loved one.  Why are we so connected, yet so disconnected when it matters the most?

Beginning today, I'm going to make every effort to become more aware and in-tune to the needs of those around me.  I have to be more specific in praying and tarrying for the people I don't see everyday. I no longer want to endure this guilt of "not knowing" simply because I didn't take the time to press my pause button, reach out, and check in.  We can't be so busy, caught up in our own whirlwind of "stuff" that we miss opportunities to love on those around us.  Let's transfer some of the time and energy we spend on highlighting ourselves, and extend a check-up or check-in on someone else.

I encourage you to grab your phone, scroll through your contacts or Facebook friend list, and reach out to someone you haven't heard from in a while.  If you don't know what to say, you can start with, "Hello, friend.  How are you? I'm thinking about you and sending love your way."

Let's Reconnect!

Peace and Blessings,
Mama Tameka

RIP, Stacy

10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law

At least half of the time I gather or chat with other married women, the topic of mothers-in-law surfaces, and it's very often immensely negative. It forces me to realize how many women do not have a thriving relationship with their mothers-in-law, and how very grateful I am for mine. So, today, I reflect on God's blessing of the woman I call Mrs. Selders, my "Mother-In-Love," and encourage those of you with Mothers-in-Love to do the same.  If my thoughts provoke feelings of defensiveness or offensiveness, I apologize in advance.  These words represent nothing more than my thoughts, and yes, I understand there are always exceptions.

Peace and Blessings,

Mama Tameka

10 Reasons You Are Not Experiencing the Best Relationship with your Mother-In-Law (MIL)

1. You do not understand and acknowledge her position.

Throughout life, we are taught the importance of looking beyond people to respect their position.  Adulthood does not automatically release us from being the "children" of our parents.  Nor does "leave and cleave" imply an isolation or abandonment of the people we call Mom and Dad.  You must understand and acknowledge your Mother-In-Law is the mother of your husband and greatly responsible for the man he's become. If for no other reason than this, you are indebted.  And if you're one of those women who blame your MIL for the imperfections in your husband, then SHAME ON YOU for choosing him.

2. You have not allowed her in.

You have (either intentionally or by default) created clear boundaries and restrictions where your mother-in-law is concerned.  You have not given her the freedom to act as your "bonus" mother. Instead, your actions or non actions, words or silence, have communicated a need for her to keep her distance, remain in her place, or proceed with caution.  When was the last time you gave her the green light by expressing your desire for her to pour into your life?  

3. You are in competition with her because you fail to see her true value in your life.

When teammates compete against each other, it serves as a clear sign that one or both of them do not understand their position.  Confusion about individual position and responsibility threatens defeat for the entire team. You must realize you and your Mother-In-Law are members of the same team. You could never be your husband's mother, just as she could never be his wife. So, instead of extending energy battling against your own teammate, draft the plays necessary to WIN!

4. You invest little to no time in building a relationship with her.  Your interaction with her is solely dependent on your husband...her son.

For some reason, daughters-in-law are convinced that their only interaction with their Moms-in-Law must include or be tied to their husbands.  That is simply not the reality.  Who says you are to only spend time with your MIL when your husband is present? Develop your own special connection to her; become connected beyond your husband...her son. 

5. You do not believe she is OWED your respect and honor, but instead, you believe it is her responsibility to earn it.

I'm still trying to understand why people insist respect must be earned. Who are you to consider yourself so important that others must "earn" your respect? Really?  If God extended His blessings to us based on what we earned or deserved, we would have nothing! Your mother-in-law is OWED your respect and honor.  The bible does not say honor your parents, as long as they've earned it, or to the extent you see fit.

6. When she speaks, you do not listen.

Please understand God speaks to you through others, including your mother-in-law.  Try experiencing the blessing in SHUTTING UP and listening.  How dare you resist or refute everything she says, assuming her comments have no validity in your life, your decisions as a mother, and your decisions as a wife? Who are you to insist you know best, when you've experienced only a fraction of the life she has lived? She's teaching you to be a mother-in-law.  

7. You do not make every effort to visit her.

I hear many young wives/mothers explain their reason for not visiting their mother-in-law is because she doesn't visit them or her grandchildren.  My response... Give me a break and Grow up.  It is your responsibility for your children to know and develop relationships with their family members, especially their grandmother.  As parents, our efforts mold and nurture the relationships our children develop with our loved ones.  We live an approximate six hour car drive from my in-laws, and we have committed to making sure we plan a visit to them at least once a month.  Regardless of the schedules, conflicts, commitments, or finances, sacrifice to make it happen, teaching your children their grandparents are priority.  

8. You don't fully understand the example you set for your own children through your interactions with her.

Our children do not grow to be parents based on what we said over the years, but they parent based on what they've seen and experienced over the years.  Your parenting greatly impacts the way they will rear their own children.  In the same manner, your interaction with your MIL will define many of the Do's and Don'ts as it pertains to their understanding and choices in their own in-law relationships.  Our children learn to take care of us, by the ways they've watched us prioritize their grandparents.  Do not expect your adult son to insist his wife cares for you in a way he did not experience you caring or tending to his grandmother, your Mother-In-Law. 

9. You're battling insecurities or hurt that stem from other failed relationships.

We often carry insecurities and doubts based on prior experiences or other damaged relationships. It is difficult to extend trust or relinquish your guard to your mother-in-law or anyone else if you are still scarred by previous experiences. Maybe you didn't experience the best relationship with your own mother, or your husband does not have a great relationship with his mom.  Maybe your thoughts about your MIL are based on your own "stuff."

10. You haven't gotten over you!

My pastor insists the most successful relationships consists of two people with healthy concepts of self.  It is almost impossible to experience great relationships when you do not embrace a healthy concept of self, realizing "It Ain't About You!"  Love is sacrificing self, for the benefit of another.  Self assess and GET OVER YOU! 

Mother-in-Love and Baby Girl, ESSENCEfest 2014

10 Characteristics of My "GOOD" Man

Merriam Webster defines good as "of high quality, of favorable character, or of highest worth or reliability," but just as with many immeasurable ideas, we all maintain our own definitions of what is truly "good," and we often choose mates accordingly. Of course, none of us are willingly choosing a so-called "bad" mate!

A couple days ago, a dear friend, writer, and relationship enthusiast, asked me to send him a list of 10 characteristics of a "good man." He was polling various women to get an idea or consensus of qualities women considered "good" in men.  So, being the very proud wife that I am, of course I scribbled the great things I see in my own husband.  To my surprise, many readers were a bit bothered by my list, assuming I was implying a good man must possess every characteristic listed, or those who did not were for some reason considered "bad," which was certainly not the case.  I simply contributed a list of qualities based on my own little experience.

I understand every individual is entitled to his/her own standards for "good," and we must choose to see the good in others, particularly the ones we love.  So today, on my wedding anniversary, I'm rebranding and reposting those characteristics I see in "MY" Good Man.  I challenge and encourage you to do the same!  Today is a great day to shower your mate with a list of  "Good" you see in him/her.

Here's to that "GOOD" Kind of Love!

-Mama Tameka

10 Characteristics of My "GOOD" Man...

#1. He has a relationship with Christ that is evident in his walk, his talk, and his overall being.  You can see the Christ in Him, his every decision is based on his seeking God's Word and Will for his life, and his study and prayer life are indicative of his relationship with Christ.  He desires his relationship with his wife to mirror Christ's relationship to the church.

#2. He values and prioritizes family, understanding they reflect him as the head. He spends intentional time with them, and he believes that caring and providing for them extends beyond finances.  He enforces quality family time, such as dinner at the family table, family talks, family outings, and family devotion.

#3. He values education and understands its importance in life.  He does not believe that obtaining it is the advantage, but he understands that not having it can serve as a great disadvantage.  He is well educated and he expects the same of his children.

#4. He believes that the sole responsibility of providing for the family is his, and he takes on that responsibility with pride and diligence.  He has an entrepreneurial spirit, even when working for someone else.  He has no problem with his wife choosing not to work, or desiring to do so.  He supports her in both situations, insisting whatever she brings home is not necessary for the financial stability of the family.

#5. He possesses clear potential for success, and when he "arrives," no one is surprised.  He is goal oriented.  He has clear, precise desires for his life, with reasonable ability and a concise plan to obtain them.  His life practices align his goals.  You can look at his walk, listen to his talk, observe his actions, and predict a successful outcome. 

#6. His thought processes, philosophies, life practices, likes, dislikes, fundamental core values and morals align with those of his wife.  They think alike; they have similar mentalities.  Something that is absolutely alarming to her is never perfectly okay to him.

#7. He's well-rounded and well-versed. He has an extensive vocabulary, and he's confident in speaking in any environment.  He knows the Queen's language, as well as the Hood language.  His network of friends and colleagues consists of a variety of people.  He sees beyond color and class. When he steps to a podium, the audience is engaged.

#8. He's predictable, and he's a planner. He does not just live in the moment, but he functions with the future in mind. He sticks to his word, and he isn't afraid to practice or enforce routine and regiment.  He is disciplined.  He's not caught off guard by many storms of life, because he planned for them.

#9. He is a good example.  When people refer to "good" men and "good" examples, his name is included in the list.  Other men and young boys respect him and see themselves in him.  He takes on the responsibility of impacting others through his choices, and he aims to LEAD by service and example.  He is an example of a man, who had a great example in his father.

#10. He is humble, and in all situations, he strives for humility. He doesn't need to brag, boast, or toot his own horn, because the proof is in the pudding.   He takes into consideration the thoughts and opinions of others, because he understands his responsibility to self assess based on their perceptions. However, his will and motivation to do well in life has nothing to do with pleasing other people, but everything to do with pleasing God.

Happy Anniversary, Michael!

Thank you Lord for this Good Man.